автор: Josefinne

I’ve been dreaming this dream all my life.
Since I could remember, he used to come into my dream – when I was lonely or sad, or just wanted to talk to someone and was bored.
In the beginning we used to play around. We were only kids running on a wide green meadow, hiding behind trees. And then, when we were exhausted, we used to lay on the grass, panting and laughing.
I remember that I was the only kid that loved going to bed. I even asked if I could go to sleep early. He was my best friend.
We were growing up together. He got taller and his shoulders – wider just like a real boy’s. He cut his hair and started wearing it combed back. And I started looking at him differently. He wasn’t just any boy – he was the best boy I knew – smart, confident, caring and funny. Handsome too. I loved his smile and his lips…
We used to sit on the grass and talk all night long. I could tell him everything. He always understood, he always knew how I felt. I told him every taught that run through my head and every secret I kept. I was so excited to see him every night and when I woke up I was so happy. I used to hum while I was brushing my teeth in the morning, dance while going to get breakfast from the kitchen. Like if I hadn’t just woken up, but got back from a date. And when I flew away from this world I would land into his – on the evergreen meadow, him – waiting in the center.
I never thought this could be wrong. I have never suspected this could harm me in any way. I was happy when I woke up. I couldn’t wait to fall asleep again, because he was in my dreams. At that time – every night.
***
It was Friday night and a friend of mine was having a party at her house. I went, hoping that the guy I had a crush on would be there and I could have a chance with him.
Not long after I arrived we were sitting on a couch talking. He was touching my hand and I smiled. My heart was pounding in my chest almost audible. He shortened the distance between us and moved his hand on my knee. The well-known feeling of excitement poured into my stomach.
I looked at his lips, but… Those were not the lips I desired. For a moment there I thought that this was a dream slowly turning into a nightmare. Feelings and people were displaced. But this wasn’t a dream, it was the reality.
Or was it?
I panicked, left the boy at the couch blinking bewildered and ran home. I messed my clothes all over my bedroom floor, jumped into my pajamas, turned the lights off and threw myself into bed. Slumber took me surprisingly fast. My naked feet were touching the grass. I was walking towards him with a confident step and a single taught into my head. He was, as always, standing in the middle, watching me come closer, anxiety written all over his face. He always knew what state of heart was I in when I fell asleep, entering his world.
- Hey, what happened? – he asked, when I was close enough to hear him. I didn’t stop walking, step by step, going closer. I put my arm on his shoulder – May? – those were the lips I wanted and the last thing I saw were them molded in the shape of my name. I kissed him.
In that first moment I was so sure it was a dream. I felt the soft and warm touch of lips on mine but he didn’t kiss me back. Of course he couldn’t – he was just a reflection of my own conscience and it was impossible for him to kiss me back.
Until he did. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to his body. I felt so real. I felt whole – like a part of a two-pieced puzzle finally fitting in; like earth kissing the sky in the horizon line. He kissed me. For real. My first kiss.
His arm moved to my cheek, he looked into my eyes and whispered – as there was someone who could hear us:
- Where are you? Tell me. Please, let me come to you.
- I’m here – I said – In my dream. – He stared at me.
- No, May, this is real, it’s not a dream!
I stepped back.
- This… This messes with what’s real. It stops me from living my life. I prefer being here, asleep, because I want to be with you, instead of being awake and living. It’s wrong and it has to stop!
- It’s not a dream – he insisted – Just … Tell me where you are and I will come. I will find you!
- Tell you where I am?! I don’t even know your name!
We had known each other for a life-time. We had grew up together in this dream, but now, when he was asking me where I was, I realized I never knew his name. Or I had forgotten it…He looked at me perplexed:
- I’m Kyle! May, please tell me where you are! – he grabbed my arm.
- No! – I was scared for the first time in this place. I had never been scared of him before – Let me go! – I tried to pull my arm but he only clenched it harder.
- Don’t go, please! May!
I woke up panting and scared. I sat in bed and touched my arm – it was still hurt where he had grasped it. What had happened?
On the next day I did everything to exhaust myself – I studied, cleaned my room, organized my clothes, trained. I didn’t dream when I was exhausted, I slept in darkness. I did the same on the next day and on the day after that. Days became weeks and weeks became months. When years passed the memory of the dream and the boy in it started to fade until I could no longer remember why I was pushing myself so hard during the day. I entombed the truth deep in me. I didn’t dream any more.